As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
