looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
