Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
