I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
