You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
