then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
not ubering you a puppy
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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