we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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