I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
