I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
