i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
