the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
