Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
