i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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