I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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