im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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