So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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