The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
