I wish my penis had an off switch
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
