The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
