stop calling my apartment porn island.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
