Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
