I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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