my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
