jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
