That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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