he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
