I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my being single is dangerous.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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