you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
