The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
