I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
