I'm jealous of your bromance
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
