I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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