do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
