Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
