I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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