you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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