Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
