so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
