I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
