somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
