I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
