Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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