Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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