That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can you bring me the toilet please
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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