so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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