My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
