I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
