he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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