I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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