Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
