I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
