you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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