Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
this just has baby written all over it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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